Coming to Terms
by S. Meech
Summary: Remus cannot come to terms with Sirius' death. Short and sweet, light slash.


Archives: Azkaban's Lair, Fanfiction.net...If you want it, email and I'll give.  
  
Rating: PG-13--R  
  
Spoilers: OotP  
  
Author's note: This is so damn sad!  
  
~!@#$%^&*()~!@#$%^&*()~!@#$%^&*()~!@#$%^&*()~!@#$%^&*()~@!#$%^&*()~  
  
Now, Sakai Michiba presents:  
  
Coming to Terms  
  
A Remus/Sirius angst  
  
Sirius Black is not dead.  
  
He is not dead because I say he is not. One day I am going to walk into the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix and he will jump at me. "Oh, Remus, did I have you fooled?" he will ask, and I will laugh and cry and hug him. He will not have had me fooled, because it is not all right for best friends to die. He would not die as long as I am still cursed, as long as he knew I still loved him. He would not dare.  
  
Even so, it hurt when he fell through that veil. It hurt when he looked at Harry instead of me. It hurt when I had to restrain the young boy, keeping him from running there to fake death as well.  
  
It hurt when, later that night when I lay by myself in his bed, I first drew the knife that had once been his down my chest, right over my heart. It hurt when Molly found me and screamed, taking my stress alleiviation away from me. She just did not understand.  
  
She did not understand that he is not dead. He would come to lick the blood away from my wound and then he would smile at me, scolding me softly. She did not understand that Sirius has been my lover since Hogwarts...  
  
We were in our fifth year when all of a suden he snatched me up from my chair in the common room, blue eyes sparkling with something mysterious. "Come Remus! I have to show you something!" he had exclaimed softly. Though I was exhausted, I allowed him to tug me out of the common room and out of Gryffindor tower. To my shock, he led me outside in the frigid December air. "Look, Remus! It's going to snow!"  
  
And, as if the snow guardians had heard him speak, at that precise moment, the sky opened up the pure white crystals began to fall. I laughed softly--snow made Sirius crazy, and I watched as he rolled about in the accumulation in his newly-discovered dog form. I knelt down and looked up into the sky with a soft sigh--this was a rare moment when no one else was around to bother us. At these times I felt as though Sirius had something to tell me, and I always waited for it.   
  
He gave a sharp bark and ran at me, running straight into me and knocking me onto my back. With a yelp of laughter, I wrapped my arms around his warm, fuzzy body and stared into intelligent blue eyes. It came as no surprise when, a moment later, he changed back, lying on top of me and laughing merrily.  
  
It did, however, come as a huge shock when he leaned down to kiss me.   
  
I was sure the heat from my blush melted all the snow within a five-foot radius, but I did not move away. I was afraid, to be sure, but at the same time...I could not tear myself apart from him. I realised that night that I was in love with him, and he was in love with me.  
  
I forgave him months later when he endangered both me and Severus Snape, donned 'Snivellus' by he and James. In fact, I forgave him without question, and that night, I made love to the only person with whom I would ever want to spend my life.   
  
I made this biggest mistake of my life several years later. I had visited him in Azkaban just after he murdered them--James and Lily--and he had rushed to the bars, tears flooding his face. I had never seen anything so pathetic in my entire life, and now that I think on it, I think I cried, too.  
  
"Remus, you came for me!"  
  
I was cold to him. "I came to tell you how...how much I hate you." The words brought about a deep silence, followed by a low, keening wail escaping from his throat. I turned away then, shaking and unwilling to allow him to see my tears. "I-I hate you, Sirius Black! I never want to see you again!"  
  
He slammed against the bars, reaching out for me. "I-I'm INNOCENT! DAMN IT, YOU KNOW ME!" he screamed. His words ripped out my heart, and I raised my hands to my mouth. "WOULD I EVER?! WOULD I EVER KILL JAMES AND LILY?!"   
  
I ran. I ran until I reached the shore of the sea that surrounded the miserable island, and I vomited into the murky, grey water. I would have lain down to die there had Albus Dumbledore not found me, picked me up, and carried me in his arms until we were safe at my flat in London.  
  
I did not get up for weeks. Even my werewolf form was miserable, and it could do nothing but lie on the bed and whine for its mate. I think, in my euphoria, I wrote him a letter, but I recall that it was not pleasant.   
  
Then, twelve years later, he escaped and came back to me, forgiving as I had been in our youth. I recall the first time our lips met again, and I remember thinking that there was nothing more right. I had wasted twelve years telling myself that I had to hate him, and there he was, ready to come back in my arms. I willingly took him. My Sirius was innocent.  
  
I have had only two years to be with him since then, and I refuse to believe that he is dead. He cannot be--lovers do not die. He would not leave me alone.  
  
I rise from his bed and collapse onto the floor, my whole body shaking with sobs as I pound on it like a child. "DAMN IT, SIRIUS! STOP THIS AND COME BACK TO ME!" I scream, tears pooling on the carpet below me. I am filled with an agonizing ache, and I hardly hear Molly coming into the room to lift me into her arms, cradling me. I scarcely hear her calling for Harry, for he has come to stay with us again, but he comes, and she passes me off to him. Shaking, I look up into his eyes.  
  
It is not Harry I see. He has taken on the appearance of Sirius, and I scream in anguish before burying myself against his neck and clinging to him in desperation. "C-come back to me!" I beg him, and I can feel the pity radiating from him. "You aren't dead, you aren't dead!" I insist tearfully, and I feel the boy begin to weep as well.  
  
Sirius, wherever you are...come back to us. I am sick of having to sleep alongside Harry so I can touch black hair when I wake up. He is uncomfortable, but I depend on him. Damn it Sirius, come back.   
  
I promise I'll forgive you this time...  
  
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